Wednesday, October 7, 2009

More Top Ten reasons why Kensington is better than Park Slope

Number 10…
When someone trips on your sidewalk in Park Slope you always wonder if you’re going to get sued because chances are they’re an attorney.

In Kensington when someone trips on your sidewalk they just usually lie there until they sober up and then go back to Denny’s for more food, fun and drink.

Number 9…
The Kensington Post Office is much larger and cavernous than the one on 7th Avenue in Park Slope. Thus giving it a much more appealing “Theater of the Absurd” quality when the clerks berate you for not speaking “English in America”.

Number 8…
When we hear the “Call to Prayer” every night from the Mosque down on Church Avenue we get a warm feeling knowing that we live in a “multi-cultural” neighborhood where all nationalities and religions live in peace.

In Park Slope when they hear a “Call to Prayer” they
usually dial 911 and hide in their basements.

Number 7…
When the F-Express returns we’ll have a seat,
while you’ll have to stand.

Number 6…
In Kensington we treat the “special people” with compassion and respect. Sending them to special schools or workshops throughout the boro where they can feel good about themselves. And always making sure they ride on a school bus to avoid ridicule on the streets.

In Park Slope the “special people” are paraded throughout the streets by their teachers wearing grotesque lime green vests with the shameful words “Park Slope Food Co-Op” emblazoned on them. Only to be mocked by the simple minded of Kensington who wear hockey jerseys instead.

Number 5…
In Park Slope the “Elitist” only worry about getting published, trying desperately to score that hundred thousand dollar book deal.

While in Kensington the “Elitist” make millions by owning construction companies and hiring day laborers.

Number 4…
A “teaching moment “ in Park Slope means pushing your kid on 7th Avenue and pretending to be so excited along with them when a jet flies overhead. But the truth is you actually couldn’t give a shit and would rather look at the falling prices of real estate in the Brooklyn Properties window while they're throwing a tantrum in the stroller.

In Kensington a “teaching moment” means smacking your kid in the ass after they were found wandering in the street and were brought to you by the driver that almost hit them on Beverly Road. And yes folks, there’s no pretending here because I've seen it actually happen.

Number 3…
A hockey friend of mine is a Deputy Commissioner for the NYC Parks department and works in Park Slope. In fact he was born in Kensington and still remembers all his friends here. So watch what you say about us down the hill because he can shut down the 9th Street Playground if I give him a call.

Number 2…
I can buy an illegal handgun or switch blade
knife at the Church Avenue Street Fair.

What can you buy at the Park Slope Street Fair?
Some stupid Dan Zanes and Friends CD?
Try stabbing somewhat with that.

Number 1…
You will never, never know what it’s like growing up in Brooklyn with people like Louie Mattera, The Rev, Bob Brennan, The guy who sits on the milk crate on Church Avenue, Mike the Greaser, Side View Woman, Crazy Mike, Freddie Schefferman, Bobby Wilson, Accident Man, Chestnut, Train Man, The Whistler, Opera Man, Steve McNally, Sam Goldfeather, Zorba the Greek, The Blanks, Elmer Fudd, Viola, Mario from Cow Tree, Izzy and Benny, Joey Gallo, Chu, Chu, The Kenny’s, or the Matron from the Beverly.

And you know what?
I think that’s a shame.

Ron Lopez (Park Slope born & Kensington raised)


Alaina said...

I love this post!
But a few questions/comments:
You can get food at Denny's?
The special people are also at Connie's, which also makes it a wonderful "dinner theater of the absurd".
Yah for weapons at the street festival!
And my number 1 would be the mommies and daddies in this neighborhood have tattoos. The ones in Park Slope just have Crocs.

Neil said...

Park Slope born? I must have missed that installment of the blog (sorry, I have a little bit of a life). So, where the hell were you born? And why did I not know this sooner? I always assumed it was actually on East 4th Street, not in a hospital somewhere near East 4th Strett, but like on a manhole cover or something. You know, sewer to sewer or some such.