In an effort to convince all my old friends from the block to move back to Brooklyn, I have decided to insult the places where they now live. I know it is childish and immature, but what else can I do, huh? And besides, I don’t think I ever really “grew up” anyway, or at least that’s what my mom used to say all the time.
Ok, so here we go.
Top Ten Reasons why you should move back to Brooklyn.
#10- When I’m bored all I have to do is sit on my front stoop and say hi to people I don’t know. It sure beats “constant boredom”, doesn’t it?. I bet you you'd be scared to death if someone walked by your house? Maybe call the Police.
#9- I can have my daughter cut my front lawn with her “safety scissors” in an about an hour. It sure beats buying a lawn tractor and doing it yourself in two.
#8- Coney Island is still better than any brand new amusement park by you. And if I can’t shoot the freak there, I can still do it in Prospect Park at night. What “freak” can you shoot? a deer?
#7- Manhattan is our town to visit, what’s yours? The shopping mall?
#6- Are the suburbs really called “Gods waiting room?”
#5- Don’t you feel sick all the time because of that “Radon” seeping in through your basement walls. You should really see a doctor you know.
#4- When I’m away, I can ask at least a dozen people to keep an eye on my house. Who can you ask? , that silly cement figurine on your front lawn with that freaky looking beard? What to they call them? lawn trolls, they scare me.
#3- When I get the chills and feel sick, I know it’s because of my National Grid bill. When you get the chills and feel sick, it’s because you just got bit by a tick and have one hour to live before you die.
#2- Could you imagine David and Victoria Beckham naming their kid “Smithtown?” Doesn’t sound real cool, does it?
#1- You know you’re going to default on that mortgage, and when you do just call me. Because I own this big ass three family house, and I’m sure I can find you a bed somewhere. Because some things never change, including me.
Ok, Ok, don't get mad, just move back!
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